Okay. Did we all die on December 21st, 2012? If you are reading this then no, we are still alive.
But what a great exhale of tension, huh? How many of us really bought into the whole Mayan Apocalypse anyway. Well I know quite a few. These are the same friends and acquaintances that were stockpiling guns and ammunition back for the Y2K End Of The World scenario back in late 1999. Really, my friend Larry in Texas had all his closets full of military MRE’s (Meals Ready To eat); you know the ones we send troops into battle with? He had cases of water and a safe full of handguns, shotguns and assault rifles, thousands of rounds of ammunition, and he had barricaded his apartment from the inside so the vast mongrel hordes of fools that did not prepare could not break in and take his supplies.
There were many people I knew in 1999 that were hiding under their beds like Larry, except most were not so Gung-Ho about it. I knew people that emptied their bank accounts and liquidated their 401K and IRAs. They invested in precious metals (Gold and Silver Coins) and bought land outside of the city, putting trailers on those remote plots, to live in…just in case.
But the Y2K catastrophe did not materialize. I doubt the Mayan End Of The World will happen either. But if it did, how would you think it would happen?
Living by the water as I do, I would hope it would involve a huge tsunami. A tidal wave so big we cold see it coming for hours and set up lawn chairs, surfboards and don water wings. Mini bars would be erected by the water’s edge and we could all watch the end of the world suck out all the water along the continental shelf and expose all the mysteries that have sunk just out of our reach over the years. Is that my old pair of sunglasses I lost last summer? What on earth is that? A WW II era mine! A Japanese submarine! A long lost species of marine plesiosaur that only crazy old sailors can see. Mermaids floundering in the mud…
Some people see an asteroid falling from the heavens and breaking the earth’s crust wide open like Gary Busey’s skull without a helmet. That would be cool, but not as cool as a huge wave. Then there are those who see a rapid shift in the global climate like in that movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. That would be dramatic, but science tells us even the fastest rapid climate changes take a very long time, like hundreds of years. Sigh. I demand drama with the end of the world.
Okay, how about Zombies. I know they are quite popular these days, but I am not holding my breath. Also, if I see another show on TV with Zombies, Werewolves or Vampires I am going to destroy the world myself. So over-done and tired. Played out! Quit it. They never were scary anyway. Let’s find a new set of monsters to worship, shall we? How about Bigfoots! Thousands and thousands of flying saucers bombing the surface of the earth with millions and millions of Bigfoots---gone mad with an inhuman lust for beef jerky. There will be no escape from the Bigfoot-Flying Saucer Apocalypse!
A pandemic contagion? This one is actually possible and frightening. Can’t see it. Can’t fight it with guns or bombs or baseball bats. (BTW-Baseball bats are the leading weapon in violent homicide deaths according to the FBI) Yes, the lowly germ may be the end of us yet. But, once again, I doubt it. Besides it usually makes for bad movies like Outbreak, Contagion, and The Stand. Being that as it is, let’s move on.
Mega-volcanoes! Now that is a fantastic way for the world to end. Image the entire population of the world melting in a vast cheese-like gooey lava disaster. The surface of the planet folding in upon itself in fire and pumice and pyroclastics---and not a bag of marshmallows in sight.
The more I think of the end of the world Mayan style, the more I have visions of jaguars and howler monkeys coming out of the jungles and feeding on mankind. No one has made a movie out of that, so it just might be plausible. My theory, if you have not put it together yet, is that if Hollywood has made a disaster movie, then that method of cataclysm just isn’t very realistic and probably won’t happen.
This brings me to doomsday-preppers. There are a couple shows on cable that feature these people who think like my friend Larry. But what they all collectively seem to forget is that if the world is coming to an end, there is no use prepping for it. It’s the end of times, man! You think a bunker is going to save you from the total destruction of all existence? You can bet those Flying Saucer Men have taught the Bigfoots to go straight for the bunkers and outback rural “Bug Out” compounds. And them damned Bigfoots will have bolt cutters and bullet-proof vests. No lock or high-powered rifle will stop them.
So forget about the Mayan calendar thing. If you are reading this, then it was just another doomsday paranoia to entertain the smug religious types and all those other creeps who love to tell other people “You’ll be sorry! I am going to be ready when the shit hits the fan”. Just like all the other doomsdays that have ever been fretted over since the dawn of time. None of them have come true.
And if being obsessed about these kinds of things is your bag, baby, then let’s not forget we have the Fiscal Cliff to look forward too just ten days away!
Here we go again.
Happy New Year!