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Health & Fitness

Weinergate: Marriage and Parenting in the Digital Age

Representative Andrew Weiner provides couples a topic for discussion and parents a teachable moment with their teens.

Marina del Rey is no stranger to storms - they blow in off the Pacific with a fury and wreak havoc on boats in the harbor and leaky windows in beachfront condos. But they are nothing compared to the perfect storm of "Weinergate" - mixing politics, power, sexting and lying - that has hit the country.

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a topic for discussion with our spouses and a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. The question still remains if he has abused his Congressional office in furthering his sleazy activities. Given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids as well as our partners about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire from his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexing incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying and the difficulty extricating yourself. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens admit to lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them. So is Weiner stuck in his adolescent phase?

Why did he resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons adolescents misbehave in this way. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

Weiner's wife may not have been able to affect his behavior on Facebook and twitter but here are three tips for parents of teens:

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - look for others in your community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue a dialogue about real consequences of their behaviors. See the American Academy of Pediatrics' tips for improving communication with your teen. Continue honest talks with your life partner as well.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so work to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and respect. 

Weiner's good judgment has been questioned in his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. He's now decided he requires a "course of treatment to make himself well." It's unclear what his treatment will address but lets hope that soon this poor example of role modeling by a public official moves off the front page so we can get back to talking with our teens about getting summer jobs in the Marina rather than about lying and sexting.

© 2011, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who have developed a 4-step model for change. If you are coping with acting-out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions that make family rifts disappear. Visit our website, HerMentorCenter.com to subscribe to Stepping Stones, a free ezine and our blog, Family Relationships to receive practical tips and our free e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned.

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